


66.6 The Beast

by Harmonyhhr, newsonthemoon



Category: Ghost (Swedish Band)
Genre: Radio Play, playlist link included!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 09:18:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10357164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harmonyhhr/pseuds/Harmonyhhr, https://archiveofourown.org/users/newsonthemoon/pseuds/newsonthemoon
Summary: With his replacement imminent, Papa III embarks on a new career as a radio host for a local rock station. Things go off the rails with the arrival of some unexpected visitors.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Listen along with this handy playlist (which, thankfully, is not hosted on 8tracks): https://playmoss.com/en/baroness/playlist/66-6-the-beast

  **[Announcer]:** For a truly unique fistful of bling, shop Martin's Designer Jewelry. Our custom rings and bracelets are worth Hell.

**\--**

**[Announcer]:** Their music:

 **[Off-key Angelic choir]:** Giiiiiiiiive us living water--

 **[Announcer]:** Our music:

[ A clip of “Rites of Death” by Antestor plays]

 **[Announcer]:** More to come here on 66.6, The Beast!

\--

["Dignitaries of Hell" by Coven plays]

  **\--**

 **[Papa III]:** Good morning, ladies and genitals. I am Papa Emeritus III, bringing you the best in blasphemy here on 66.6, The Beast! That was “Dignitaries of Hell” by one of the progenitors of music in tribute to Satan, Coven. Coming up next is another band near and dear to my heart, as well as the hearts of many others--Black Sabbath. They will be missed…

[“Black Sabbath” by Black Sabbath plays, before being cut off halfway through the opening riff]

 **[Papa III]:** Ah, yes, there was an announcement to make. To celebrate the upcoming Feast of Saint Valentine, your Papa will be providing all of you lonely hearts out there with romantic advice. Call in at 1-800-THE-BEAST for my words of wisdom. All those things that you desire are just a phone call away. 

[“Black Sabbath” by Black Sabbath continues] 

 **[Papa III]:** Welcome back! We have our first caller already! Hello, you're on the air. You may enquire your Papa.

 **[Caller]:** Good morning, Papa. How are you?

 **[Papa III]:** I'm wonderful, dear. How are you?

 **[Caller]:** Not great, to be honest. I'm having some issues with my boyfriend that I wanted to ask you about.

 **[Papa III]:** I'm sorry to hear that. Please, do go on.

 **[Caller]:** He's a wonderful guy half the time, but...ugh, where to begin? He's always dogging me about my weight, he'd rather go out drinking with his friends than spend time with my kids, he says he's embarrassed to be seen with me when I wear my band shirts in public. Do you think there's any way to salvage things?

 **[Papa III]:** Of course, dear. The answer to your problems is communication.

 **[Caller]:** You really think so?

 **[Papa III]:** Yes. Clearly communicate that you are leaving him. Next caller! You're on the air.

 **[Caller 2]:**  Hey, Papa. I'm on the outs with my girlfriend and was wondering if you had any advice.

 **[Papa III]:** What seems to be the problem?

 **[Caller 2]:** Well, she's really into that social justice crap, you know. And normally it's not really a big deal, but ever since the inauguration she just won't shut up about it.

 **[Papa III]:** And why do you think that is?

 **[Caller 2]:** Honestly, I think it's because I voted for Trump--

 **[Papa III]:** And that's enough of that. Before we play another song, let me say this: if this girlfriend is listening--you deserve much better. Much like we all deserve better than the current occupant of the White House. This one goes out to him.                           

\--

["Go to Hell" by Alice Cooper plays, followed by “Miracle Man” by Ozzy Osbourne and “Burn in Hell” by Twisted Sister.] 

\--

 **[Announcer]:** This segment was brought to you by Forge Striped Sweater Emporium. Conveniently located next to Simon's Pineapples!

\--

[“Lightbringer” by Power Symphony plays] 

\--

 **[Papa III]:** That was Power Symphony, a band led by a fiercely devout servant of Lucifer known as Michela D'Orlando. I’d love to see Trump try to tell her what to do with her body. But we must move on. It seems I have a caller. Hello, dear listener, you are on the air.

 **[Husband]:** Yes, hello Papa. I think my wife Lorraine may have cheated on me recently, but I can’t prove it--

 **[Papa III]:** Ah, I know a Lorraine! Beautiful woman, very bold. She possessed a grip like few others I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. There is little as thrilling as a woman who can throw me around a little in bed.

 **[Husband]:** Uh, good for you? Now if we could get back to my question, please--

 **[Papa III]:** It seems we have another caller. Caller 2, you’re on the air. How can your Papa help you?

 **[A Woman’s Voice]:** Hello? I’m not sure if you remember me...

 **[Papa III]:** Lorraine! How could I ever forget? How are you? Have you and your husband worked things out yet?

 **[Lorraine]:** That’s actually what I’m calling you about. I need a way to break things off, but without admitting to that night we spent together in Phoenix.

 **[Papa III]:** Well, obviously--

 **[Husband]:** Lorraine? Honey, is that you?

 **[Papa III]:** It seems I’ve forgotten to hang up on him. These machines...

 **[Husband]:** You little--how could you do this to me? Between him and that priest in Vegas--

 **[Lorraine]:** Don’t talk to me like that! Maybe if you bothered putting some effort in the bedroom, I wouldn’t have had to turn to Father Charles.

 **[Husband]:** Don’t you try and blame this on me! It’s not my fault you’re so demanding.

 **[Lorraine]:** Demanding? All I ask for is that you actually make sure I finish before falling asleep!

 **[Husband]:** And you never once thought-- 

[The volume of their conversation gradually lowers until their voices can barely be heard]

 

 **[Papa III]:** *clears throat* How about another song? Here’s a classic by one of the godfathers of black metal. Hopefully it is long enough for them to work things out.        

[“Into the Coven” by Mercyful Fate plays with their muffled voices still audible in the background]

 **[Papa III]:** Welcome back, dear listeners! Thankfully, during the break, both of them hung up. I hope those two can find it in their hearts to forgive each other. Regardless, we have another caller to attend to. Hello, Caller 3, you’re on the air. What is it you need from your Papa?

 **[Caller]:** Yes, hello, I was actually calling with a complaint.

 **[Papa III]:** My apologies, ma’am. Difficult times such as these can make relationships a challenge. Tell your Papa all about it.

 **[Caller]:** This isn’t about a relationship, you floozy. You’ve got a lot of nerve putting this garbage on the airwaves.

 **[Papa III]:** You are free to make a request, friend. But I can’t say you are putting me in a giving mood.

 **[Caller]:** This isn’t about your music, either. Ugh, well, it is, but--you shouldn’t be using blasphemy as entertainment. People like you are the reason it’s so hard to be Christian in America.

 **[Papa III]:** Aaaand we’re done here. How about one more caller and we get back to the music. Caller 4, you’re on the air.

 **[Sister Imperator]:** Yes, good morning, your unholiness.

 **[Papa III]:** Ah, Sister! I didn’t know you knew about this station...

 **[Sister Imperator]:** I didn’t, actually. I happened to catch Water lazing about listening in instead of doing her chores for the day.

 **[Papa III]:** Well. I...I hope you are enjoying the show!

 **[Sister Imperator]:** Of course, of course, your music taste is unparalleled. We’ll all be mostly sorry to see you go. I’ve just called in response to that imbecile Caller 3.

 **[Papa III]:** I have already hung up on them, Sister. I doubt they are still even listening.

 **[Sister Imperator]:** Regardless, we cannot allow their message to go unchallenged. You, ma’am, are the reason America has become the laughingstock of the world. I’d like to know how you could claim that Christians face persecution in your country when your holidays are recognized by your government, you have your beliefs respected by your media, and your leaders are sworn in on your book of lies. Why, I’ve never heard of something so ridiculous--

 **[Papa III]:** I hate to cut you off, Sister, but we really need to play some music. This next one is by a group the Ghouls and I will soon be travelling with once more. A pleasure and an honor, truly. Here’s Iron Maiden.

\--

[“The Number of the Beast” plays, followed by “Possessed” by Venom and “Satan” by Running Wild.]

\--

 **[Papa III]:** Welcome back! For those just tuning in, we’re ringing in the month of love with romantic advice from a modern day Casanova, yours truly. So far this segment has been proceeding...not quite as planned. But let’s give it one more shot. There’s always a chance for things to improve. Caller...whatever number we’re on now, you’re on the air.

 **[Caller]:** And another thing--you shouldn’t be insulting Trump just because you don’t like that he speaks the truth. You keep this up, he’ll be making sure people like you go back to your country--

 **[Papa III]:** Nevermind. How about another song? Here's--ah, someone is at the door.

[The sound of a door opening, followed by footsteps.]

 **[Papa III]:** Lester! Listeners, our dear manager has come to visit me!

 **[Leonard, muffled]:** It's Leonard, actually.

 **[Papa III]:** Ah, apologies. It's good to see you, friend. Have you changed your mind about my lunch date offer? Is that why you're here?

 **[Leonard, closer to the microphone]:** Uh, no actually. Sister Imperator sent me here to come pick you up. I believe her exact words were, "The real DJ probably wants her job back."

 **[Papa III]:** How kind of her. Why don't you have a seat, Leonard? You can pick the next song.

 **[Leonard]:** Uh, we should probably get going, actually, sir. Sister Imperator....where's the bottom half of your suit?

 **[Papa III]:** I lost my pants this morning in an unfortunate incident involving a mortuary technician and a bottle of nail polish.

 **[Leonard]:** Makes sense. Where'd you get the skinny jeans?

 **[Papa III]:** Stole them from a dead guy.

 **[Leonard]:** Gotcha. Like I was saying, Sister Imperator seemed really serious about me getting you back as quick as possible. So if it's not too much trouble, you think we could wrap things up and leave?

 **[Papa III]:** Soon, soon, Leonard. You don't want to leave the audience hanging, do you?

 **[Leonard]:** I...guess not? Okay, one song, then we really need to get back to the hotel. Have you got "Power" by Kanye West?

 **[Papa III]:** I've got Powerwolf.

 **[Leonard]:** Um...okay...this one sounds interesting--"Koalas Sanctus." Am I saying that right?

 **[Papa III]:** Not even close! But you may call it by its translated title, "Holy Balls." 

\--

["Coleus Sanctus" by Powerwolf plays.] 

\--

 **[Leonard]:** That wasn't so bad. Kind of Lord of the Rings-y.

 **[Papa III]:** I’m glad you liked it. You’re certainly enjoying this music more than our last manager.

 **[Leonard]:** Shame, that. What happened to that guy anyway?

 **[Papa III]:** That is...not something that needs to be discussed.

 **[Leonard]:** Whatever you say, boss. Do you think we could head back now?

 **[Papa III]:** Just one more moment, Leonard. I need to make sure we reach our minimum number of commercials per hour before we leave.                                                          

\-- 

 **[Sister Nero]:** Do you ever feel lost? Alone? Like the scum of the earth, scorned by an ancient, uncaring God? You're probably right! Hi, I'm Sister Nero, and here in the Church of Ghost, we  strive to help humanity come to terms with our wretchedness. Under the watchful eye of our Dark Father, we are all equally worthless. But with prayer and reflection, that can change! Just listen to these testimonies from real members.

 **[Speaker 1]:** I thought this was a Ghost fan club until the praying started. Plus they slaughtered a pig in front of me on my first day.

 **[Speaker 2]:** I just showed up for the outfits. But when I tried to leave, the Clergy threatened to rip my eyes out. 

 **[Speaker 3]:** A guy complained about the food here once. As punishment Sister Nero locked him in the isolation chamber and slowly drove him to insanity.

 **[Sister Nero]:** Find your purpose. Seek guidance. Let the light take us. The Church of Ghost welcomes you. 

\-- 

 **[Announcer]:** For creepy coffin purses, eclectic accessories, and delightfully dark jewelry, visit Better Off Dead Designs, official supplier of Papa's kazoo clutches. If trends and whatever is "IN" is just not for you, you're Better Off Dead! 

\--

 **[Announcer]:** Are you tired of rules, regulations, and ritualistic animal slaughter taking place on your first day of attendance? Consider an alternate path into His good graces! Broken Humanity is a fun, family-oriented approach to Satanism, guided by The Light rather than a council of angry seniors. Open up your heart and veins to us at returntonothing.se. 

\-- 

 **[Papa III]:** What? How did that last one get in there?!

 **[Leonard]:** ...did you really drive a guy nuts for not liking the food there?

 **[Papa III]:** A moment, please, Leonard. I need to contact management about this-- 

[There is a sound of pounding at the door.] 

 **[Papa]:** It looks like we have more visitors!

 **[Leonard]:** Oh god, how did she find me?

 **[Papa III]:** How did who find you?

 **[Leonard]:** That’s gotta be Sister Imperator. She’s probably mad at us for not leaving fast en-- 

[He is interrupted by the sound of the door knob turning.] 

 **[Leonard]:** *screams* That closet locks right?

 **[Papa III]:** Yes, but-- 

[The sound of rushing footsteps, followed by the closet door slamming.] 

 **[Papa III]:** \--it doesn't open from the inside.

* * *

 

 

[Earlier that day, on the roof of the radio station building.] 

 **[Leonard]:** Are you guys sure about this?

 **[The Nameless Ghouls]:** Yes!

 **[Leonard]:** All I have to do is release the top and drop the can down the ventilation shaft?

 **[The Nameless Ghouls]:** Yes!

 **[Leonard]:** And it won’t kill anyone?

 **[Alpha]:** No!

 **[Aether]:** No!

 **[Omega]:** No!

 **[Earth]:** No!

 **[Water]:** No!

 **[Air]:** Yes.

[crickets chirping]

 **[Omega]:** What do you mean ‘yes’? Air, we told you to make sleeping gas!

 **[Air]:** I know but the ingredients are the same ones I use for poison. I can’t always be sure I measured them correctly.

 **[Alpha]:** We want Papa knocked out, not dead.

 **[Water]:** ...yet.

 **[Air]:** Look, this duct is far enough from his workspace that by the time it reaches him it shouldn’t hurt him...theoretically.

 **[Earth]:** I’m never using the cough syrup you make for us ever again.

 **[Air]:** Chicken.

 **[Leonard]:** This sounds like a terrible plan. I don’t want to get in trouble if something goes wrong. I’m supposed to be collecting Papa for Sister Imperator anyways.

 **[The Nameless Ghouls]:** Shut up, Leonard!

 **[Aether, listening to his phone]:** Just do it already, would you? He’s taking calls!

 

[A loud bang as the canister is released down into the air duct]

 

 **[Leonard]:** Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fetch Papa.

 

[There is a door creak and a set of fading footsteps as he leaves]

 

 **[Earth]:** Ummm. Did he forget he gassed the whole building not five seconds ago?

 **[Water]:** Let’s go watch his head bounce off the floor when he passes out.

* * *

 

 

[The Nameless Ghouls leave the roof to watch the station from across the street]

 

 **[Air]:** Do you see him?

 **[Alpha]:** Nope, can’t see anyone through those windows. Maybe he got farther inside before it

hit him.

 **[Water]:** Damn! I was hoping for some blood or a lost tooth at least.

 **[Earth]:** You’re vicious, you know that?

 **[Water]:** I should hope so.

 **[Aether]:** Shut up, both of you. I don’t think this worked out as planned.

 **[Air]:** If they’re all dead we can still do the show, right?

 **[Omega]:** Air officially beats Water for winner of ‘most vicious’. And we've got company.

 **[Alpha]:** Shit, is that Papa I AND 2?

 **[Earth]:** We can't let them go in! Imagine the trouble we'll be in if we kill all three?! Papa IV isn't ready to go yet. Ohshitohshitohshit-

 **[Air]:** Calm yourself, small one. I would wager Sister Imperator wouldn't go too hard on us. She

might only require the sacrifice of one Ghoul. We'll give her Water.

 **[Water]:** Hey!

 **[Air]:** You're new. Last one hired is the first one fired, you know that. Or in this case: burned at the stake. Or stoned...flayed, possibly...set upon by hounds. Maybe she'll let you choose.

 **[Omega]:** No one is getting sacrificed. I can see them chatting with the front desk security. Air, I

don't think you made the gas strong enough.

 **[Air]:** Catch me on a day after I've had a couple bowls of stewed beans.

 **[Alpha]:** He isn't kidding about that, but we wanted Papa to fall asleep - not shut down the entire

city because of a biochemical attack.

 **[Earth]:** Ew. Air's hazardous behind aside, what're we going to do?

 **[Water]:** We'll just wait until they leave.

 **[Aether]:** They – damn. I've got it back up on my phone; they've pushed Papa out and are playing their own music!

 **[Omega]:** Papa II listens to music?

* * *

 

 

[Inside, Papa Emeritus I and II walk through the studio door]

 

 **[Papa III]:** Brothers! H-how are you here? I mean, _what_ are you doing here?

 **[Papa I, muttering]:** I knew we should have gotten in earlier.

 **[Papa II]** : It'll be fine, just distract him. **[to Papa III]** Ah, youngest brother! Your little manager told us he was coming to collect you and I suggested to Papa I we tag along.

 **[Papa I]:** Quite right. We thought you might care to join us for lunch. Say, Italian?

 **[Papa III]:** Now there is a marvelous idea. Bernard will watch the place while we're gone, won't you Bernard?

 **[Leonard, still stuck in the closet]:** It's _Leonard_. You have to let me out so we can return to Sister Imperator! She's going to be very upset.

 

[Brief silence as Papa III contemplates the closet door]

 

 **[Papa III]:** No, I don't think I shall. I did warn you the door doesn't open from the inside. You should take better care to listen closely when I speak, Lucian.

 **[Papa II]:** Stop fussing with him and let us be on our way, hmmm?

 

[Papa III moves out in to the hallway and the door slams behind him]

 

 **[Papa II]:** Thank Satan, I thought we'd never get him to shut the hell up.

 **[Papa I]:** Quit running your mouth and make sure the lock is in place. I don't want him barging back in to ruin our plans.

 

[Papa II pops a small pane of glass out from the door window, around eye level]

 

 **[Papa II]:** What good is taking over the studio to play decent music if he can't hear it? Now queue up some ads and the next song while I get ready.

 **[Announcer]:** For those moments when incontinence hits but you still want to represent Lucifer in all His glory in a stylish manner: Elderly Pope Demon Diapers. Aisle 22 in your local grocery store.

 **[Announcer]:** The next portion of your show is brought to you by Linton’s Pet Supplies. They sell mostly crickets and mystery, conveniently located at the corner of Puppet Rd and Master Dr.

 --

[“Reap of Evil” by Bathory plays]

\--

 

 **[Papa III]:** What is the meaning of this? Let me back in my studio this instant!

 **[Papa I]:** I'm afraid we cannot do that, brother. We have a mission. Your musical selection, while entertaining, isn't enough to endear the Church to outsiders. Not to mention life in the Clergy is so unbearably dull and we want our own radio show too. It's rather unfair we weren't given this chance - 

 **[Papa III interrupts]:** How the fuck are you two alive anyway? I thought you both were dead - I poisoned you myself!

 **[Papa I]:** You’re going to have to do a lot better than that to kill us off, sonny. We made our pacts with Satan when you were still crapping in your diapers.

 

[Papa II situates himself in front of the mic as the music ends]

 

 **[Papa II]:** Hello out there all you worshipers of The Beast. Papa Emeritus II here, bringing you the real sounds of Satan and His flock. I shouldn’t even have to tell you fuckers that was Bathory with “Reap of Evil”, off their 1985 album _The Return of Darkness and Evil_. Ah, back when music didn’t suck.

 **[Papa I]:** I still can’t believe you dare call that caterwauling music. Your generation has no finesse.

 **[Papa II]:** Your generation is extinct so I would shut my trap if I were you, dinosaur.

 **[Papa I]:** I hope you realize your impudence is why the Sister let that upstart pup take your place.

 **[Papa III, shouting]:** Why is this happening to me?

 **[Papa II, back at the mic]:** For any of you disgusting parasites just tuning in, Emeritus the First and I have staged a takeover from our newest usurper. We thought you’d like to hear some _real_ music for once. The obnoxious onesie wearing shit-stain is ruining the church reputation with this musical travesty.

 **[Papa III]:** Onesie? What the hell are yo- are you talking about my suit?

 **[Papa II]:** You failed to hide the zipper in the back, boy. I know a onesie when I see one. And all because the Papal trappings are “too hot and make me pass out”. You know, in my day you wore the outfit without bitching and if you passed out you got punished by Sister Imperator. I remember one instance –

 **[Papa I]:** Are you going stop rambling and play my song? Maybe sometime this year?

 **[Papa II]:** Yeah yeah, you old fuss pot. Here’s your damn Candlemass.

 --

[“Demons Gate” by Candlemass plays]

\--

 

 **[Papa I]:** Hmmmm, it seems we have a caller. Hello, disciple of Hell! Tell us, what’s your name?

 **[a breathy female voice comes across the line]:** Hi, Papa. Call me Lila.

 **[Papa I]:** Mmmmm. Lila. Yes, I rather like that. What can we do for you, Lila?

 **[Papa II]:** Or perhaps what would you like to do for us? Heh.

 **[Lila]:** I was wondering…well, could you possibly let Papa III back on air?

 **[Papa I]:** Can you not hear him? We did adjust the door so he can speak with us.

 **[Lila]:** Yes...I mean…you guys are great and everything…but…he plays better music. I’m sorry.

 **[Papa II]:** Lila, is it? Dear Lila. Which songs have you not enjoyed this hour?

 **[Lila]:** I’m not a fan of the death metal stuff – with all the screaming? Please don’t be mad.

 **[Papa II]:** Of course not sweet child. Why, I have the perfect song in mind just for you. Bye bye Lila.

[There is a click as Papa II clears the call board and selects the next song]

 

 **[Papa II]** : It is now very apparent to me how utterly lost the congregation is under the ruling hand of our third Dark Pope. You sheep need to the learn way of the beast and quickly! “Necrolust” will teach you all a thing or two.

 **[Papa I and III simultaneously]:** NO!

 --

[“Necrolust” by Mayhem begins to play as the three Papas continue to argue on air]

\--

 **[Papa III]:** You can’t play that! It has to be censored, for shits sake. You’re going to get my show canceled!

 **[Papa I]:** Censored? Does this atrocity even have lyrics?

 **[Papa II]:** You are far more weak-willed than I ever imagined. Bowing down to censorship? **[in a thunderous voice]** _Are we not the mouthpiece for Satan? Were we not tasked with spreading His message? You dare defy one so unholy?_

 **[Papa I]:** Considering how many people are waiting to speak with us, our young brother might have a point. I doubt those are happy callers.

 **[Papa II]:** You’re both abominations.

 

[The song ends and the studio is quiet for a long moment]

 

 **[Papa I]:** I have an idea, if our listeners will stick around after a word from the sponsors.

\--

 **[Announcer]:** Restaurant Phallos Mortus – the _stiffest_ competition in local dining since 1969. Other Italian eateries find it _hard_ beating their prices and flavors. Satisfaction can’t be found anywhere else!

 --

 [A match strikes as they ease their tempers with Blue Öyster Cult]

 

 **[Papa I]:** See? Much better than arguing.

 **[Papa II]:** I must admit, this is a damn good song.

 **[Papa III, choking slightly as he puffs on his cigar]:** I agree…but next time could we get some Zardoz?

 **[Papa II]:** Oh good Christ.

* * *

 

[Outside the station]

 **[Aether]:** They’re playing “Burnin’ For You”. I think they’re getting ready to go off air.

 **[Omega]:** I see them coming out now. Quick, across the street! Alpha and I get to go first!

* * *

 

 

[Minutes later, inside the studio]

 

 **[Omega]:** Hey hey hey, all you crazy Kaztenjammer Kids out there lending us your ears this fine afternoon. Comin' at you live is Leggy Omega...y... and my brother from another Satanic mother: Smooth Alpha-rator. The Papas have left the building, Sister Imperator is probably already in bed-

 **[Alpha]:** ...'cause she's ooooold...

 **[Omega]:** \- and we Nameless Ghouls are here to give you a Saturday night party even though it's only Tuesday. Now I know Daddy E likes to showcase music you might play if you were smoking a bowl with Satan, but me and Alpha here want to give you tunes you can really move to.

 **[Alpha]:** Which is kinda weird considering you're too shy to dance but whatever.

 **[Omega]:** Stomping counts.

 **[Alpha]:** Maybe at a hoedown.

 **[Omega]:** You don't even know what that is. You've never been to one!

 **[Alpha]:** Again, whatever. To all my ladies and genitals listening tonight, I want to bring a song so satisfying to your ears that even the dark lord himself can't turn it off. They're new on the scene and as it happens, have worked with me quite closely to produce this magical delight.

 **[Omega]:** Excuse me, Smooth Alpha-rator, but we said we wouldn't self-promote.

 **[Alpha]:** I lied. Anyways, let's get this party started right with "The Pit" by Priest!

 --

["The Pit" by Priest plays]

 --

 **[Omega]:** Since my dearest brother broke the one rule we set for tonight, I'll play a little track of my own.

 **[Alpha]:** Not “Sway”. Man, that song doesn't fit the mood!

 **[Omega]:** Like your goth 80s trash does? You know you _used_ to be in MCC right? How soon you have forgotten.

 **[Alpha]:** Oh you little bitch.

 **[Omega]:** I might be a bitch but at lea-

 **[Aether]:** Could you just play fucking TID and be done with it?

 **[Omega]:** Hmm...that could work. Yes, "Dumhetens Gudinna" is one we would normally end a date with, if you catch my meaning -

 **[Alpha]:** I start dates with it, to be perfectly honest.

 **[Omega]:** \- but it's as good a track as any to play off Fix Idé, an album released by our band TID just last year.

\--

["Dumhetens Gudinna" by TID plays]

\--

 

 **[Omega]:** We have to take a short break for a word from our sponsors but stay tuned, because coming up after that will be one of my personal favorites: "Cannelloni Macaroni"!

\--

 

 **[Announcer]:** The Church of Ghost got you down? Maybe they’ve subtly kidnapped you and now you’re looking for a way out? If you ever manage to escape those pesky hellhounds and Church Grim then look no further for salvation than The Pit. The god damn Puppet Master himself guarantees nothing but pleasure to be gained through your absolute devotion to our Dark Overlord. Sister Imperator even acts as the weekend DJ, minus the stick up her ass. More information available at Simon’s Pineapples.

 _Standard uniforms are provided but plague doctor masks sold separately_.

\--

 **[Announcer]:** If your kids are tired of the same old kitchen/garage playsets, then the Rumor Mill Toy Company has everything needed to refuel their imaginations. Our playsets come in three different themes: Ghost, Priest, and Magna Carta Cartel.

Get those tykes rockin’ out on a grand stage with the Ghost set, complete with Papa’s robes, mitre, and a video on lewd hand gestures. Your child more interested in raves than stage antics? The Priest sex dungeon playset can make all their fantasies reality, but remind the little ones to use caution with the gimp mask. _Acid not included._

Perhaps your children aren’t meant for the hard rock/hard drug lifestyle, and that’s okay! Skinny jeans and an acoustic guitar are all they’ll need to create soothing jams in ‘some random Swedish dude’s apartment’ MCC set!

Remember the name Rumor Mill Toy Company (then repeat it over and over again until the world is sick of hearing about us)!

\--

 

 **[Aether]:** Um. Hey everyone. We’re back. We kicked Alpha and Omega out because no one should ever have to hear "Cannelloni Macaroni."

 **[Water]:** Omega will be punished for that, we promise.

 **[Aether]:** So, yeah, uh, I'm not very good at this but Water and I would like to go back to the stuff Papa III normally plays.

 **[Water]:** I only have one song to add. You go ahead and play what you want, Aether, and then we’ll do mine.

 **[Aether]:** Er, won’t that get boring?

 

[More crickets chirping]

 

 **[Aether:]** All right. We’ll start with one for now. I’ve been listening to this track a lot lately, since my brothers and I are planning on parodying the movie  Little Nicky for our next music video. It has always baffled me that “Running with the Devil” wasn’t featured on the soundtrack but I guess even Adam Sandler is capable of making mistakes worse than Jack and Jill.

 --

["Running with the Devil" by Van Halen plays]

\--

 **[Aether:]** Also, don’t tell Papa about the Little Nicky thing – we’re going to try to convince him to play Hitler or the Big Horny Bird and we want it to be a surprise. Now, Omega has suggested we break up the routine by interviewing the newest member of our band. How about it Water?

 **[Water]:** I’m game. Hi everyone! I’m Water Ghoul and I’m a Gemini vegetarian. On Wednesdays I wear pink.

 **[Aether]:** …That’s not quite what I had in mind. I was thinking more “where are you from?”

 **[Water]:** Oh. Hell.

 **[Aether]:** You’re from Hell?

 **[Water]:** Yes.

 **[Aether]:** Care to elaborate?

 **[Water]:** My mother was a goat and my father is the Devil.

 **[Aether]:** I don’t think…you know what? We’ll just go with it. Who inspired you to begin playing guitar?

 **[Water]:** Well, it was 1955 and I was attending the Enchantment under the Sea dance. This cute boy was playing a bright red guitar for us and I just knew I had to learn.

 **[Aether]:** I’m going to play another song, and I hope by the time it’s over you’ll take this more seriously.

\--

["Devil Digger" by Judas Priest plays]

 --

 **[Aether]:** If you’re ready to continue? Some of our listeners might like to know about the difficulties of being a female metal/rock musician. Have you felt welcome in the community?

 **[Water]:** As a musical equal? Yeah, I suppose so. You get your typical grumbly fanboys who think women can’t play as well but they usually shut up once we’re shredding in their faces.

 **[Aether]:** Other than the music?

 **[Water]:** Definitely not. Everyone thinks I’m supposed to be some sort of Virgin Mary. Like, you guys are allowed to sleep around with as many fans as you want, or even with each other, but I’m supposed to stay at home on the bus after shows and keep my hands to myself. I’m sick and tired of being slut-shamed because I like to hook up with others I find attractive. It’s as if people aren’t paying attention when Papa talks about pleasure and how women deserve it just as much as men.

 **[Aether]:** Wow. I guess I had never thought about it that way.

 **[Water]:** I see it sometimes with other bands I work with but it’s more noticeable since I’ve come on board as a Ghoul. Actually, can we play my song now? It’s twelve minutes of Satanic female glory.

 **[Aether]:** Twelve m-minutes?

\--

 

["The Litanies of Satan" by Diamanda Galás plays]

 --

[Silence for three minutes]

 

 **[Air]:** *Ahem* I have been informed I’m supposed to make polite conversation into this microphone. I would but I don’t want to. Instead, I believe it’s time to regale those tuning in with a bit of history on my favorite music genre: folk metal.

 **[Earth]:** But shouldn’t we –

 **[Air]:** Tut, tut, tut. Shush. Listen. Learn. Folk metal is said to have begun in the early 90s, though I would argue it has been around much longer than that. Hmmmm, let’s see..some of the more commonly known bands associated with folk metal are Skyclad, Finntroll, Ensiferum, Korpiklaani, Turisas, Moonsorrow, Kampfar, Lumsk, Ásmegin, Trollfest, Thyrfing, Månegarm….

[20 minutes later]

 

 **[Air]:** …Subway to Sally, Morgenstern, and Letzte Instanz. Should we play a song now, Earth?

 **[Earth]:** *snoring*

 **[Air]:** Ah, yes I suppose so. I’m doing my best to stick to our theme here with this track. Neither/Neither World are a favorite of mine and so is “Devil’s Lullaby”.

\--

["Devil’s Lullaby" by Neither/Neither World]

\--

 **[Earth]:** Definitely not the music I would have chosen to wake up to. Thanks for the future nightmares, though it isn’t as freaky as whatever the hell Water listens to. I’ll play you guys three songs in a row before our next commercial as an apology for the who’s who of folk metal list _that had nothing to do with our purpose here today_.

 **[Air]:** People need to learn.

 **[Earth]:** Write a book. Anyways, enjoy some devilish blues and blues-inspired music until we return.

\--

["Devil is Fine" by Zeal & Ardor plays, followed by "Broken Bones" by Kaleo and "Me and the Devil Blues" by Robert Johnson]

\--

 

 **[Announcer]:** The Fia Kempe Female Empowerment Convention will be holding their annual workshops starting this Friday. Women of all ages are welcome to attend sessions focused on topics ranging from welding, engineering, art, outdoor sports, music and many more. The Great Goddess herself will speak every night during dinner and personal one on one sessions will be available. Complimentary daycare on site.

 --

 **[Earth]:** Aaand we’re back. You know, Zeal  & Ardor might be a bit repetitive but I’m impressed by their fusion of genres. If Hollywood ever did a reboot of _The Exorcist_ they could definitely incorporate “Children’s Summon” into the soundtrack. What do you think, Air?

 **[Air]:** Is it my turn?

 **[Earth]:** I guess. I mean, you don’t have anything to add to the discussion?

 **[Air]:** No

 **[Earth]:** Want to do an interview?

 **[Air]:** No

 **[Earth]:** Maybe take some calls?

 **[Air]:** No

 **[Earth]:** Okay, fine. I’m feeling a little less than loved here but you go ahead and do what you want.

 **[Air]:** Finally.

\--

[Satan by Mill Supply plays]

\--

 **[Earth]** : Huh. That was interesting. Well, since Air doesn't seem interested in holding an actual conversation at the moment, I’d say now is a good time to reveal the title of our next album.

 **[Water]** : Are we allowed to do that? I'm not getting my thumbs smacked because of you.

 **[Aether]** : Aw, c’mon, who’s gonna be listening? I say go for it.

 **[Earth]** : My Latin’s a little rusty, but I think I can pull this off. It'll be called--

 

[A loud door slam interrupts him.]

 **[Earth]** : Wha--Omega!

 **[Water]** : Dude, we already said we’re not playing anymore of your music. No amount of dramatic entrances is gonna change our minds.

 **[Omega]** : Guys, no, we have to get out of here--the actual radio host is on her way! And she brought backup.

 **[Aether]** : Seriously? Air, what’s up with this gas you made? It sucks!

 **[Air]** : What? You didn't expect it to be able to last this long, did you?

 **[Omega]** : Guys! She’s coming up the stairs!

 **[Water]** : But the stairs lead to the one exit!

 **[Earth]** : Alright, clearly we’re gonna need an alternate route.

 **[Water]** : How about the window?

 **[Earth]** : *pause* What?

 **[Water]** : Window. You heard me. There’s some plants and stuff at the bottom, and the drop isn't that far. We’ll probably live.

 **[Earth]** : Are you nuts? You want a broken leg?

 

[Approaching footsteps, and the door opens]

 **[Radio Host]** : That’s them officer! They're the ones who broke into the building!

[Silence, then another rush of footsteps, followed by a rush of air as the window is opened.]

 **[Earth]** : If I die, I'm haunting you--aaaaaaaaaaaaugh!

 **[Officer]** : Don't let them get away!

 **[Omega, into the microphone]** : Uh--we leave you now with an old favorite of mine. Thanks for listening! Peace out!

 --

[“Take A Chance On Me” by ABBA plays, followed by a long period of dead air]

 --

 **[Radio Host]** : *panting* Not quite my usual introduction. For those of you still sticking around, this is your regular host, Christina De la Cruz, back with the latest in Christian rock. Sorry about that unscheduled pre-show, everyone. The police should take things from here. We’ve got a great set planned for you today, plus an interview with Lacey Sturm coming up. Stay tuned!

[There is a muffled yell in the background, followed by a loud crash]

 **[Radio Host]** : What the--

 **[Leonard]** : Papa! Once I get out of here, I am CALLING Sister Imperator!

[Another loud crash, plus the sound of splintering wood]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
